If i could go back.

I am often asked if i have any regrets in my life, as i am nearing 50, have lost my mobility and live a simple quiet life others may not envy, yet i can honestly say i am happier now than i have been in decades, i realise that even in our negative moments and in life’s struggles though something we endure, it usually results in a new found strength or understanding, i think if i have any regrets at all its for the things i have not done, the moments i missed and the knowledge i have now i would of loved at twenty.

I remember back when i was young, i was so insecure had no understanding of beauty in its true sense, i was always striving to match, to fit in, and yet i never did, the more vanity i showed the less i liked myself or understood myself, i had all these hang ups about my body, and my abilities.  I regret not knowing what i wanted and just being carried along, never catching your breath and just battling away against life.

So if now me could go back and talk to then me, i would have a lot to say, and i feel it’s a message i should pass on.  There is no better gift you can give yourself than a belief that you are a unique and beautiful in your own way, you have gifts to give the world that you have not discovered yet. Yes you can give yourself permission to dance in the rain, walk in the snow and enjoy every second in the way it was meant to be, regardless of what anyone else thinks or say’s.  Its OK to feel down or a little swamped as long as you try to find a positive within it.  Some lessons we have to go through, no matter how bad or how much they hurt, they make us better people, no matter how hard the trial is, hold the knowledge that nothing lasts forever, and we are only ever one thought away from changing our whole lives.  

I look back at photographs when i was 20, there was no ugly duckling, yet for me in my head she was always there, i looked but couldn’t find her all i could see was how vibrant i looked, how i had a beauty all of my own that only my thoughts and the opinion of others dulled.  I challenge all of you to do the same, and you will see the beauty you held and others could see, yet somehow we could never see it.  

Society pushes us down, gives us doubts and worries, fills our head with what we think we need rather than what we really need, and when this does not come straight away we get more stressed and upset.  When all we really need is love, love for your family, your parents, your friends and more important than all that love for yourself. You are an incredible person with a spirit filled with fun and joy for others, and you hold the power, you get to decide who shares in this, who comes along for the journey. You hold all the answers, stop listening to the doubting voices in your head, push away the “i wouldn't do that its weird” complainers and just do it, get up tomorrow and make a positive change. Grab life by the reins and hold on tight, in the knowledge you don’t need a map, or instructions, a life plan, or a nest egg, life will provide, love and the soul always find a way.  Never put someone else in charge of your happiness, if it hurts learn from it, don't keep going over the same old ground, find new fertile ground and settle there a while. You are not supposed to have all the answers, even in middle age i know so very little and still have a journey to complete. If i can do anything whilst on this earth, it would be to let you into a secret i didn't know till now.  Spend less time with people who bring you down and upset you, try to put you in a box you just don't fit in, and more time with the ones that help you to fly, you will make mistakes and that's OK, it will all be alright in the end. You can change your journey at any point, you control that. The most important person in your life is you, when your OK with that, you can become anything you want. For when you truly love yourself warts and all, it becomes very easy to see that love and beauty in everyone really, it just depends on who’s eyes you look through, choose yours for they are the most honest.

I leave you for a while with the knowledge that it will always be OK, it will work out, if it comes from a place of real love for yourself.